I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
