afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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