loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
