I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
