but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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