i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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