Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
