I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
These tits shall not be calmed
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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