I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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