I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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