My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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