My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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