This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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