Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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