have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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