I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
