So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
