first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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