A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
