So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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