If i come over, it means nothing
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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