I want to have your abortion
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
