I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
COCAINE IS GR8
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
