So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
