You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize