Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
