I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
