stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Oh god it's open bar.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize