Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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