I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
