i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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