Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize