Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
