I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
