I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
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I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
