you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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