you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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