today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
