At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
