If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
