I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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