I met the friendliest cop last night
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i've created a new STD.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
