somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
