Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
