what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
