Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize