i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
third nipple confirmed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
