Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
