The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
