update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
