dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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