My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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