ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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