Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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