first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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