I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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