hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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