As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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