Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
