Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
