Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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