i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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