Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
