i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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