I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
