Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
