I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
