Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
