So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
