i jhust puked up my retainher.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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