Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
