i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
as a side note pls kill me
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
