dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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