At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
